See How Low

Sure enough. As I was finishing my meal, my mother stood up to the telephone in the kitchen. The other children had remained seated at the table. That in itself was unusual, as the food was long since finished. The plates wiped clean using the allegedly ‘expensive bread’. I watched her dial the number. My heart sinking and my fear rising with each number spun. Then looking round at all the faces of the children, some who had actually turned to watch her, my mother stood obviously listening to the ringing of the shop phone down the line. We waited. I had my eyes locked on my mothers mouth. Waiting for her to speak, and, dreading the response. Then I watched her expression change as she put on her ‘English’ telephone voice.

It’s funny how some people have a ‘telephone voice’ and others don’t. It used to be a proud form of communication and carried a high standard. The polite telephone skill. The way a person presented on a telephone, spoke volumes about their communication skills in general. It could make or break an inquiry for work, or sales. It was important and practiced. Little is more regularly annoying today than the severely lowered standard of daily telecommunications. In fact apart from accents, the moment you answer the phone to a politely spoken inquiry, such as, “Good afternoon/evening, sir. How are you?” You know it’s a telemarketer or a surveyor and not just a member of the public. And then the straight rudeness of some of the answering messages you get when calling. Especially when you ring a mobile. What is the point of having a mobile, if you are not going to answer it? Or worse. If you do get an answer, and you hear, “Hello…. (long pause)”. And naturally you start speaking thinking they were waiting for you. Then suddenly the voice says, “Just kidding! I’m not here right now. So leave a message” That is so frustrating.

And some people now, when you call their phone, have (atrocious) music playing instead of a normal ringing (burring) tone, while the phone is connecting. You don’t hear the ringing, but suddenly you have been connected to some tinny sounding radio beat music, often the dreadful eclectic music choice of the person you are calling (I mean. I don’t make people calling me have to listen to Cajun or Romanian Gypsy music, as much as I enjoy it?). As quickly as it bores its way straight through your frontal lobe (yes, I know the frontal lobe is not connected to the ear but when you get a headache, don’t you tend to grab the forehead first?), it automatically makes the hypothalamus react, and of course, it doesn’t react pleasurably. It’s your temper which rises. Then just as you are about to explode, it stops and the person answers. Your first comment is often unintentionally aggressive, before you realise that it’s the person you wanted to speak to. That is of course a poor way to start a conversation. But it’s the modern etiquette. Or is there any phone etiquette anymore?

(Continued tomorrow)